He Said, She Said -- Believable Dialogue (Beware Clichéd Title)

Victory (V): O, woe is me, o alack the day! Dialogue -- thou art surely one of the demons of creation, sent from He who burns beneath earth, to plague those who --

Red (R): What the hell is with the Shakespeak, Victory?

V: It's for the dialogue post. What, you don't like?

R: It's kind of... well, it's kind of dorky.

V: Like I've ever cared about that. Everyone, this is Red -- one of the various inhabitants of the multiverse in my head. Say hi!
R: 'Lo. Focus on the point of the post.

V: Ah, right! Okay, today's topic is dialogue -- the evil bastard that many beginning writers struggle with (and many published writers do, too. Yeah, Stephanie Meyer, I'm lookin' at you.) Dialogue seems easy as hell -- most first-time writers think that the hardest part is scene set up and plot. But Dialogue really is a pain in the ass --

R: -- Even if it looks simple at first. Look at this. Victory and I have different speech patterns, as she tends to use a lot of dashes and long sentences. I use short ones.

V: One person may speak a lot, and the other very little, but the one who says very little might be saying more. If that sentence makes any sense.

R: It doesn't. But not every character knows perfect grammar. If Victory had used perfect grammar in every sentence it wouldn't sound authentic.

V: Another thing to remember is accents -- don't let them overpower the actual sentence. If the reader can't -- you know, read it -- then there's no point to them saying anything.

R: Don't say 'said' all the time. But be sure to make it make sense -- is there isn't an 's' in the sentence, why would the character 'hiss' it?

V: Quick work, but it'll do -- adios!

Self-Editing: I Really Need To Do This More

Before we get to the actual purpose of this post, Victory would like to say one thing:

My life is full of fuck.

Thank you, dduane, for correcting me – indeed, it was Wolfram von Eschenbach who first wrote down the original version of Parsifal, not Sir Tomas Malory. The edit is greatly appreciated.

And yes, for those of you wondering just why, exactly, dduane sounds familiar, that's because she is Diane Duane, author of So You Want To Be a Wizard, the book I included in my list of books that use the 'average teen with latent powers and/or destiny' section of my last post. And yes, for those of you hissing in sympathy and/or crowing 'dduane for the win', I was thoroughly embarrassed. Not for what I said – that is entirely my personal opinion, as are all of my posts, and I will not apologise for them. But because she actually found the one post where I said something bad about that series... -sighs- Well, can't win all of them.

However, in spite of the slightly (ahem) clichéd beginning of the Young Wizards series, can I just say: I am only ever critical towards works (excepting, of course, the Mary-Sues) I greatly respect. Everything else is, at the risk of sounding egocentric, not worth my time. And dduane, I am honoured you took the time to read my post.

Alright, now that the grovelling is over, let's get to the purpose of this post: self-editing. Many high-school English teachers will tell you this is impossible. I ask you now to imagine a buzzer going off.

I am here to tell you they're wrong. It's harder, yes; you have a bias, yes; but before you can count it out, consider that whole draft process they told you about in English class. And what is that but a self-edit?

Cue lightbulb.

When editing, it's important to keep your bias in mind. You will always be biased; that's what makes an editor a writer's best friend (and occasionally their most hated enemy.) But sometimes that bias will come in handy. Where an editor could potentially look at a chapter and say 'cut it' without blinking an eye, a writer would remember favourite sentences and rewrite the chapter, thus salvaging something that, without a bias, would be scrapped.

On the other hand, seriously consider the import of the section to the rest of the piece. If it's a long soliloquy on life and the meaning thereof in the middle of a teenage comedy novel? You might want to reconsider that. Remember the focus of the piece – the overarching atmosphere and (I hate to say it) 'message' of the writing. Metaphors, while beautiful, can clog up a perfectly good piece of work. Motifs should have something to do with the mood of the piece, and show up more than when you're just in the mood to plop them in.

Grammar. The foe of writers. We simultaneously hate it and love it (it makes us sound so pretty, but it's such a bitch to work with; it's a bit like the main soprano in Norma, actually.) But no matter your opinion, it can sometimes be the most painful part of editing. That clever work of wordplay? Just got bitch-slapped by the fact that you put an unnecessary apostrophe in 'its', ruining the meaning. Applause, jack ass. Now fix it.

But grammar is a sneaky bastard – sometimes a sentence that reads normally fails fantastically once read aloud and you realise you used the wrong 'their' or 'to'. And while writers would like to think themselves above it, everyone does it. Even Victory (though I hate admitting it. It's like admitting that you peed in the pool. Shameful.)

Oh, but then there is something beyond even grammar that makes the main soprano from Norma look easy to work with, and that's rhythm.

There was once a poet that went outside and stood on a cliff, shouting his works to the wind, just to make sure it sounded right. That, m'dears, is dedication, and if you don't have a cliff, go find one, because you need dedication to make it in this line of work.  I'm not talking iambic pentameter, here – just make sure your sentence trips off the tongue like a klutz up the stairs. And shake it up – place short sentences amid long ones, or the reader will fall asleep.

So remember:

1.         Focus: Find it, and stick with it. Take care to repair where you step out of line.

2.         Grammar: Learn it, use it, and for the love of the Goddess, don't lose it!

3.         Rhythm: If you don't have this, go out and purchase soul music, and soul food, and soul cakes, because you need some serious soul. Or listen to jazz. Or rock. Something with a driving rhythm. And start using it.

I should really start making these posts longer, but unfortunately, I only have enough time between this, fanfic, and trying to finish up Sepulchre in time to publish it before I'm eighteen to write short, two page things.

Next up: I tackle dialogue. And yes, it will be written entirely in script form.

Going Awry: Why Not All Story Ideas Should Be Written Out

Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, fellow fanfiction writers.

First of all, I should give a reasonable explanation for the title.

As a reader, you should know that not all books came about as fantastic claps of inspiration from the big Author in the Sky (and the few that do... well, we'll talk about those in a minute.) Very rarely does a whole plot appear suddenly, with characters created and waiting for you to detail their adventure. Plots often begin (in mine and other efllow writer's experience) with something small. A scene, a piece of dialogue, a mindset, hell, sometimes the weather is all that's needed to produce a seed.

Unfortunately, some of those seeds should just stay seeds, instead of growing into the sickly, browning philodendrons that litter the rooms of would-be novelists. (And before you ask, I do own a philodendron and it's doing quite well, thank you.)

Like slasher fics. Not slash fics -- those are perfectly acceptable. But slasher fics -- where one or more characters cut themselves? That's retarded. If it's a genuine part of the plot (beyond 'love interest finds out and tries to save them from themselves'), then I guess it's okay, but honestly. Think about it. How many people do you know cut themselves? No, seriously, think about this. I'll wait.

Not many, right? So why do your characters need to do it? It's not going to make anyone sympathetic, and it sure as fuck doesn't make your character look introspective. It makes him/her look whiny. And their love interest look stupid ("I didn't know you were cutting off your arm nightly, despite the fact that we've been in a loving relationship for two years! Honest!")

Oh, you ask, is that it? No, my friends, Victory's rant is not over yet. For she still has to tackle some other things.

Like the "Average kid sucked into something beyond their understanding." We know this. We've all seen this. Hell, we may have even written it -coughguiltyaschargedcough-. That doesn't mean it's good. Because, quite frankly, it's not.

Let's face it, we like to read the whole 'triumph over unthinkable odds' bullshit, but really? The whole "I like books, so I can become a wizard" ((c) Diane Duane), or "I'm a little creature who's thoroughly useless, let's send me on an impossible mission" ((c) J. R. Tolkien), is a little old. Hell, it was old before these guys -- ever heard of Parsifal? Not the Wagner, but the original Sir Malory works. Seriously. It's old. And for some unfathomable reason, it's not getting any younger. I wonder why? /sarcasm.

Okay, I'll only spit and roast one more before I leave the other poor fanficton writers to wonder when their turn is next. And that, m'dears, is the Mary-Sue.

Oh, you thought it was only fanfic that did this? No. Not by a long shot.

The Hunger Games? Mary-Sue.

Twilight? Mary-Sue.

Nightworld? Mary-Sue.

Ecery teen novel ever? Mary-goddamn-fucking-Sue.

The definition of a Mary-Sue is a character that is beloved by all but their enemies, with multiple love interests, and is almost invincible (but for when their vulnerability is a plot-device). They typically have some werid name, some all-encompassing power, and a back story so said they could drink orphan tears for the rest of their lives.

Sound familiar?

Yes?

Then Don't post, and let that idea wilt where it stands. Seriously. There's never a lack of bad lit, so go find some and read it, instead of clogging my interwebs with your bullshit.

/rant.